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I know this isn’t my usual blog post with tips and tricks, but I thought maybe putting my thoughts and emotions into words could help me process things. Granted, I should probably just talk to a therapist lol.

I miscarried a couple of months ago at about 8 weeks. To say this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through is an understatement. I am feeling all of the emotions, and it just sucks being an adult with adult responsibilities. It’s hard having to get up each day and be happy and present for my son, trying not to be a zombie at work, or have the motivation to keep up on housework (and let’s not even talk about self-care right now). It is the worst, and it’s something you really don’t know what it feels like until you have gone through it. 

We found out that I was pregnant towards the end of October. We were elated to have another kid and to give our son a sibling. We were so excited. There’s just something special about finding out you’re pregnant and keeping it between you and your spouse. It’s like having a fun surprise that’s going to make your friends and family happy, but they don’t know it yet. Like with our first child, we were going to keep it a secret until I hit the 12-week mark. I was especially excited to announce our pregnancy at Christmas. I had been looking up announcement ideas and found a couple that I liked. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, a family member announced she was pregnant but not very far along yet. I was happy for them and happy that my little one would have a cousin only a couple of weeks older than them. I was so excited for the future.

At about 8 weeks along, I started spotting. I remember my husband asking me if we should be worried. I reassured him that we didn’t need to worry because spotting is very common in early pregnancy. I had spotting at the beginning of my first pregnancy, so I wasn’t concerned. I also felt like if something was wrong, I would know it in my gut. A few days later, the bleeding progressed to the point that my husband encouraged me to call my doctor and tell her my symptoms to see if we needed to go in. So I did. I called in Monday morning, and the nurse asked me typical questions and said that she didn’t think I needed to be worried since the spotting was light and I had no other symptoms. However, my doctor would order blood work if I wanted the peace of mind. I declined because it sounded like everything was probably okay. 

By Monday night, the bleeding increased even more, so I called my doctor the next morning as soon as they opened, and requested the blood draw. After my work meeting, my husband drove me to one of the clinics to have my blood drawn. We came home, my husband went to work, and it was a waiting game. At about 1:30 pm, I received a phone call from the NP from my doctor explaining that the blood work came out fine, no issues, but that my doctor wanted me to get an ultrasound just in case. She was able to schedule me for an ultrasound a couple of hours later at 3:30 pm. She also told me that they would call with the results that night when they received them, so I would have some answers in a few hours. I called my husband, got my son ready, and shortly headed out. Received my ultrasound, came home, and waited again. This time, the call came from my doctor. She said that the baby was measuring about six weeks when it should probably be about 8 weeks. My doctor said that I could be having a miscarriage and to continue to monitor my symptoms, and if I bled through more than one pad every 30 minutes or had intense pain, to go to the ER. She got me scheduled for an appointment to see her in a week as well, so we could get another ultrasound and compare. Back to waiting.

At this point, only a couple of our friends knew what we were going through. We needed the support, and they were there for us. One in particular cooked so many meals for us so that I didn’t have to do a thing. I am so grateful for them during this time. I still didn’t want to tell anyone, because if it ended up being nothing, I didn’t want to worry anyone. And if it did end up being something, I didn’t want to grieve in public. We did end up telling our parents and asking for prayers. Even with all of this going on, we still went to work and attended my nephew’s birthday party. All while pretending that everything was okay and our world wasn’t falling apart. I was holding on to hope that maybe I wasn’t 8 weeks along. That might be my baby was measuring at 6 weeks because I was only 6 weeks along. I didn’t let myself dwell on the fact that I might be miscarrying because I was in denial and was hoping for the best.

This changed Sunday at 1 am when I woke up out of a dead sleep to bad cramps. I got up, went to the bathroom, and realized I was passing some big blood clots. I waited an hour to test how many pads I was going through when my husband and I decided we needed to go to the ER. Thankfully, we have wonderful neighbors who came right over to stay with our son until my dad could get there. I was an absolute mess driving to the ER, let alone at the ER. It was then that I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I was probably going through a miscarriage. The ER visit was very traumatic for me. I know I sound dramatic, but it was the worst. Multiple nurses tried to draw my blood, but they couldn’t. Finally, one nurse was able to get some blood out, and it was one of the most painful things I have experienced. Fortunately/unfortunately, after an ultrasound and an exam, all they were able to tell me was that my baby was sitting lower, which could mean a miscarriage, and that I needed to follow up with my OB. They basically said, their rule for bleeding is come in if your blood clots are the size of oranges. Can you believe that? While I was relieved I didn’t need anything serious like a blood transfusion, I felt a little silly going into the ER just for them to send me on my way. I would have felt more validated had there been some issue. Now we get to deal with an expensive ER bill without anything to show for it. Yes, I know that’s not a fair way to look at it. I know we were following my doctor’s directions and at least received peace of mind that nothing was urgently wrong. But still. It sucks. 

After the ER visit, we still had 2.5 days to wait until my follow-up with my OB. I messaged my boss and told him what was happening and that I would be taking some sick days. I have to say, the people I work with are awesome. My boss’s reaction to my message was to take all the time I needed, physically and mentally. My best friend came over on Monday to help with my son and to be with me while we waited. I am so grateful for her company and for keeping me distracted while I was still dealing with uncomfortable symptoms. 

Well, Tuesday came, my husband and I went to my appointment, and my doctor verified that our baby was gone. I had passed it sometime the day before. Even though we had known this was a possibility for a week now, it hit hard. I had tried to stay hopeful and have faith that my baby was safe and that my body was just being weird. Looking back, I was half right. My baby was safe, just safe in heaven and not with me. I was obviously a mess, and it was so hard to see all of the other pregnant women in the waiting room when I had just received confirmation that I lost my baby. 

As I got my blood drawn for some extra blood work, the sweet nurse looked at my very bruised arms and was shocked at why they weren’t able to draw my blood at the ER. She made sure that this time it was quick and painless for me. After she finished, she said some sweet words of advice, and then we went home. 

We ended up putting up Christmas decorations that night, and my sweet son wanted to have a dance party. It was so funny and sad because the last thing I wanted was to have a dance party. But we had a dance party and tried to make the night as good as possible. Then we spent the rest of the week celebrating Thanksgiving with family and acting like a bomb didn’t just go off in our lives.

Over the last couple of months, I have gone through all the stages of grief. I was so sad for so long, I didn’t think it would end. Then it turned to anger. I had to watch that close family member do pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, and complain about being sick while pregnant, all while wishing I were pregnant. It’s hard, and it sucks. And on top of that, feeling like I failed my baby. I know logically that’s not true, but it feels like I failed. My son was also confused about why his mama had been sad so much. He is so attentive to my emotions, and some days it’s hard to hide the sadness. I have been very grateful for him during this time. He has been a little ray of sunshine for us.

My current mental state is numbness. Every day is a little easier, but overall, I am numb. At work, a huge process went down, and I had to figure out what was wrong and fix it. Instead of feeling stress and anxiety like I normally would, I just didn’t care. I would figure it out when I figured it out. Which I guess is sort of a blessing. At least I was spared the anxiety. I have been feeling a “fight or flight” mood lately. More on the “flight” part. Like, why don’t we just move to Japan, and then we can just move on. The song “Yes I’m a Mess” by AJR has a line that says, “Why should I fix the sh** I’ve done when I can just pack my sh** and run?”, and that has literally been my theme song. 

We actually just got back from a cruise that we booked before getting pregnant, and that helped. Looking back, I am in a better place than I was in November, but I am still so drained. Tears are constantly behind my eyes, ready to come out. Literally anything can make me cry. Even watching Parks and Recreation has made me cry. The logical part of my brain knows it’s not something that should make me emotional, but I can’t help it. I can honestly cry on demand now, so that’s something new. 

My husband and I have decided that we are still going to celebrate and love our little one in heaven. We pray for our little one every night and have decided to put up a stocking for them at Christmas. After I confided in my amazing sister-in-law, she gave me an infinity necklace to remind me that families are eternal, and I will see my baby in heaven. I also bought a bracelet that has a dried baby’s breath flower and a pendant with my angel baby’s birthstone. That way, I can have something on me to feel closer to my little one. Although our little one isn’t with us on earth, they will always be in our hearts.

If any of you have gone through a miscarriage or are going through one right now, my heart goes out to you. I know it’s something that stays with you forever, and I hope one day you will find peace. I am still trying to find mine. I am at least comforted to know I will be able to hold my baby in the next life, and I am looking forward to that day.